Step 1 Studying

My friends for the past month: Lao, Lange, Sattar, USMLE World. You will not be missed.

 It’s been exactly one month since I started studying for the boards, and let’s just say I never want to go through this again. This past month has been unreal. If I thought MS1 was crazy (study/eat/sleep/repeat), that was nothing… I admit I’m learning a lot, but this day-in day-out studying has made me appreciate that I’m going to see more people in the future and will have less nose to book/computer screen time (hopefully…but that’s another worry for another time…GAH).

So much of the path to becoming a doctor is about "delayed gratification"—suffering now to have a more secure and fulfilling future. I think I’m good enough at doing it but not really thinking it; I’m always complaining/whining in my head and sometimes out loud too, haha. But what I’ve realized and what I want to believe is that being happy now, being helpful towards others now, being selfless now, living in the now will make you a better doctor—heck, it’ll make you a better person.

Midnight snacks for studying.

My tea haul to keep me alive through this hell.

At the beginning of this studying spree, it was kind of exciting (wc?) to have this challenge of stuffing an impossible amount of knowledge into your head, but I’ve definitely burnt out…and as I burn out, I remember what’s important to me, so it’s not completely a bad thing. I think it’s like when you’re young (i.e. in high school, in college), you’re so full of ambition, wanting to do everything, but as years go by and you experience life, and you don’t get to do everything you want exactly the way you want it (not necessarily because you’re incapable but simply because the time-space continuum won’t allow it)…and so you start to prioritize.

Family, friends especially friends you don’t see often, laughter, being there for each other at the right time at the right place, not (always) delaying gratification, my dreams for improving healthcare in China…these are what’s important to me. I want to do well on this test, but time is so limited, many times, I make decisions on what I’ll regret more. Even though I was already incredibly behind in my studying, I decided to spend a day hanging out with my family friend that I haven’t seen for over a year. It sounds silly now as I write it, but trust me, it wasn’t an easy decision to make. But I’m glad I did it. Nothing can replace late night talks about life, love, and career.

That aside, what keeps me up at night is not so much the exam itself, but what I have to look forward to after this test is over. This is so different from how I felt after MS1. Because MS1 was such a successful year for me—I came out swinging, with so much hope for the future. MS2 was an antithesis to MS1 in almost every aspect. I was unhappy. And it permeated through everything I did. I think that’s why I wrote less (sorry!) because I only had energy and time to push forward. I never thought I deserved to sit down and just write. I was delaying gratification, ha. But things can change right? I desperately hope so.

I’m liking these quotes right now—

“I have lived my life according to this principle: If I’m afraid of it, then I must do it.”

and

Seek ye first the good things of the mind, and the rest will either be supplied or its loss will not be felt.

(First quote—Erica Jong via quotesandnonsense; second quote—Sir Francis Bacon from Will Durant’s The Story of Philosophy, which I’m finally reading now after discovering it in high school. Maybe after I’ve read more of it, I’ll make a post about what I think of it.)

As I’m writing this post, I don’t feel my worries crumbling away, I don’t feel that much different from 30 min before. I still have the same worries. I’m just choosing to put them aside right now, because there’s simply little I can do about them right now. I need to live in the now, relax, and focus on passing acing this exam. The thought that calms me is this—I will be back. What’s happened to me this past year has hurt me a lot. But I will be back. I will not give up. And that will be my revenge.

Anyway, I know my life isn’t like many other’s, and I’m glad it isn’t, because it’s pretty miserable, but if you’re having a tough time, remember it’s okay to treat yourself once in a while and be happy now. Be brave.

Took a break to celebrate 1 year anniversary with my boo